


Relapse

by Doctor_Discord



Series: The Ego Manor [109]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Family, Google Has a Meltdown, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Relapsing, Restraints, Scars, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Stitches, Suicide Attempt, Why Did I Write This?, accidental suicide attempt, kind of, past self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-18
Updated: 2019-09-18
Packaged: 2020-10-19 03:53:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20650766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Doctor_Discord/pseuds/Doctor_Discord
Summary: On the anniversary of the worst day of Silver's life, he relapses into a bad coping mechanism.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> * W A R N I N G *  
This is just like 'Desperation'! Self-harm, self-loathing, depression, referenced suicide, all of that shit! If you can't read it, don't! But stick around for the end notes!

It was September 18th.

Silver had yet to leave his bed.

He was curled beneath his blankets, tears trailing down his face as he traced his scars with a trembling finger. This past year had been…rough, to say the least. He was…_broken_, with the scars to prove it. He couldn’t even bear to wear his costume at home anymore. He was a _mess_.

But…he’d gotten _better_, too. Compared to last year, he was pretty stable right now. Dr. Iplier had officially diagnosed him with depression, and they were taking steps to manage it, so he wouldn’t _explode _again. Silver had been seeing a therapist for a couple of months now (under a fake name, of course, couldn’t have civilians figuring out one of their precious heroes was a depressed piece of shit covered in self-harm scars).

He was by no means ‘cured’ – bottling up four years of grief and depression tended to leave lasting wounds. He still felt the crushing, suffocating numbness that drove him to hurt himself in the first place. He had a hard time eating, never really feeling hungry, and he had difficulty sleeping sometimes, too. But he was better than before. And for once…

For once, instead of isolating himself and wallowing in his grief and guilt over not being able to save his best friend, he was going to go and _try _to spend the day with his family.

Slowly, Silver shifted beneath his blankets, slipping his feet onto the floor and wincing at the feel of the cold hardwood. He glanced at the picture on his nightstand, at his and Ibis’ smiling faces, and drew a deep breath, closing his eyes briefly. He stood almost hesitantly, rubbing at his bare arms – not covered by the t-shirt he wore as pajamas – and cautiously stepped out of his room, heading toward the kitchen.

Google was the only one there when he arrived, hugging himself in some half-hearted attempt to hide his scars. Google jumped once he spotted him, giving him an odd look before narrowing his eyes. “Silver. You’re…here.”

Silver glanced away, head bowed, and hugged himself tighter. “Yeah. I’m…gonna try today. T-to prove something to myself.”

Google’s expression softened into a small smile, and he gestured to the table. “The others aren’t awake yet. It’s a bit too early for them still.”

Silver’s eyes widened. “Wait, what time is it?”

Google raised an eyebrow. “Nearly seven.” He tilted his head to the side, visibly scanning him. “You look tired, Silver. Have you been sleeping well?”

Silver sighed, shifting a little in place. “…No. But it’s okay. Dr. Iplier and I are working on that.” He drew in a quick breath, then tried for a smile. “Do you…know who’s turn it is to make breakfast?”

Google’s face scrunched up. “Unfortunately, Bing.”

Silver laughed, a tiny, genuine little laugh, and finally moved from the entranceway to the stove, arms dropping to his sides. “Yeah, no offence to him, but I’ll make something for myself.”

Google gave him a crooked smile as he passed. “I don’t blame you.”

Silver reached into the fridge, pulling out a carton of eggs, some cheese, and a tomato. “You want anything?”

“I’ll pass. I’ll stomach whatever Bing attempts to make.”

Silver snorted. “True love.”

Google chuckled, and Silver set about making himself an omelet. About halfway through the process, he began humming quietly to himself as the smell of eggs and melting cheese wafted through the kitchen. Plating his omelet, he set the tomato on the cutting board, reaching for the knife drawer and inputting the combination with a strange, tickling sensation ghosting along his arms.

To his surprise, the drawer didn’t give, locked shut, and he turned back to Google, suddenly feeling slightly sick. “You um, y-you guys changed the lock.”

Google turned to face him, brow furrowed. “Yes, months ago. After you…” He cleared his throat, adverting his gaze and shifting back around. “You didn’t know till now?”

Silver gave a tense laugh, rubbing the back of his neck. “Yeah um, t-t-to be honest I uh…I’ve been avoiding it.”

He glanced back at the drawer, tugging gently. The smell of food, so welcoming mere moments ago, now just made him feel sicker, his stomach turning as he tugged on the drawer again, a little more forcefully. His vision was beginning to tunnel, his mind felt heavy and clouded, there was something like a _weight _pulling down on his very soul and he was _suffocating_ as the tickling in his arms grew into a persistent _itch_, like millions of little spiders crawling beneath his skin –

Without consciously deciding or even _thinking_, he felt his super-strength course through his body, and he ripped the drawer open, completely foregoing the lock. He wasted no time in jamming his hand inside, fumbling for a blade as breathing picked up pace. The itch had rapidly grown into a _burning _sensation as he wrapped one shaking hand around a handle. His fingertips bled, making his grip loose and slippery as he brought the blade to his arm. This is how he would satisfy the _burning_, that’s what his head told him, his body _craved _it, he just wanted to stop _hurting _and he couldn’t _breathe _–

Strong arms were suddenly wrapping around him, pinning his arms to his sides and causing the blade to jerk against his arm, breaking the skin in a jagged line. Google wrestled the knife free of his grasp, sending it clattering to the floor, and Silver _screamed_, struggling violently in his hold. “LET _GO _OF ME, GOOGLE! YOU DON’T UNDER_STAND_, I _NEED _IT, IT _HURTS_, I JUST –”

He broke into a wretched sob, going limp against Google’s chest. The gash on his arm bled slowly, his palm painted red from his fingertips, blood dripping to the floor. His whole body trembled, shaking like a leaf as his head lolled back onto Google’s shoulder, tears pouring down his face. Through his half-lidded eyes and tears, in the strange state of delirium he found himself in, for a moment the bright blue of Google’s eyes reminded him of someone else, of an old friend with…blood pooling around his head, and a relieved little smile, and the illusion only made Silver sob more, eyes slipping shut completely.

Distantly, he was aware of Google shouting, of him situating them more comfortably on the floor, himself laying limp and sprawled in the android’s lap. He could hear the muted noise of pounding footsteps, but his pulse nearly drowned it out, his blood roaring in his ears, his breathing slowing from far too rapid to nearly nonexistent, shallow gasps. He just felt _tired_, he missed his friend, he would give _anything_ to see him again, _why _couldn’t he just _see him_ –

There was a blue glow in front of him, a _bright _blue glow, and…a low voice, speaking softly to him. Silver smiled, a hoarse laugh escaping him as he reached a shaky hand up to cup Ibis’ cheek. He mumbled his name over and over, tears blurring his vision further. More tears fell, in harsh juxtaposition to his widening smile, when his bloodied hand painted the side of Ibis’ head red. He swallowed harshly, smile dropping, as he idly stroked Ibis’ cheek with his thumb. “I’m…so sorry…”

His head lolled back, his hand fell, and Silver passed out.


	2. Chapter 2

Silver woke to the all-too familiar white-wash glare of Dr. Iplier’s office.

He jumped, wincing and hissing through his teeth when a sharp pain spiked up his left arm. Glancing down, he swallowed thickly at the sight of the white stitches laced up his forearm in a jagged, diagonal line. His breathing began to grow harsh and rapid when he looked a little lower and saw the leather cuffs pinning his wrists to the rails of the hospital bed. He jerked against them, eyes wide as panic and confusion swamped his brain, completely ignoring the pain the movement caused in his arm and his feet kicking wildly at the covers, desperately searching for traction as he tugged at the cuffs.

“Whoa, Silver! Calm down, you’re okay!”

His head whipped to the side, eyes still wide and still borderline hyperventilating, but going still all the same, hands clenched into tight fists and blood leaking from his stitched-up wound. Ed gave him a half-smile, sunglasses resting on the brim of his hat, and he crossed his arms, leaning back in the bedside chair. Without his glasses, it was painfully obvious he’d been crying, eyes red and puffy, but he wasn’t hiding it as he usually did.

Silver adverted his gaze, swallowing again as he stared at the cuffs, tugging a bit more half-heartedly. “Why – ?”

“Dr. Iplier put them there. Said you were a danger to yourself. Supposed to keep you from rippin’ your stitches out or worse.”

Silver closed his eyes, shaking his head. “No…I’m not – I don’t – why are you here?”

Ed raised an eyebrow. “It’s my turn to look after you. We’re not leavin’ you alone after that fiasco. Eric was just in here a little bit ago. Found him bawlin’ in the chair when I came for my shift. And he’s not even the worst of them. I never thought I’d see the day when Google burst into a hysterical meltdown.”

If possible, the immense amount of guilt Silver already felt grew heavier. “How…is he?”

Ed sighed. “Real shaken. I guarantee if I opened that door right now you could still hear him sobbin’ in his own office.” Ed paused, as if debating whether or not to continue. “…Toward the end there, before you passed out, apparently you thought he was…you know. Ibis. Somethin’ about his eyes. I think that’s what really set him off.”

Silver bowed his head, subconsciously pulling at the cuffs and shifting his feet as tears slowly made their presence known. “Yeah. I…remember. I just – I just wanted to _see _him again.”

“So you tried to kill yourself to do that?”

Ed’s voice was impossibly soft, and Silver once again lifted his head sharply to face him. “_No!_ How many times do I have to _tell _you guys, I’m not – I don’t – _I’m not suicidal!_”

Ed huffed, raising an eyebrow again. “Kind of hard to believe you when you you’ve got stitches up your arm and you’re layin’ in a hospital bed, Silver.”

Silver opened his mouth to reply, but instead just bowed is head again, staring at his hands. Little cuts decorated his fingers, like papercuts, and he focused himself on flexing his left hand, stretching out his fingers before curling them back into a fist. He jumped when Ed spoke again. “…If you weren’t tryin’ to die, then…what _were_ you thinking, Silver? Why…would you _do _this again?”

Silver closed his eyes, squeezing them shut. “I don’t…know. It was weird, it was like…I _needed _it, it wasn’t like last time, it was like…I got the slightest bit overwhelmed and then there was this _itch_, this…_craving_. And the only thing that would satisfy it was…this.” He bared his forearm, cracking one eye open but rapidly closing it again when he saw the blood still running in tiny rivulets from the wound, feeling sick. “It was awful.”

Ed let out a drawn-out sigh. “You should talk to Dr. Iplier about that. But, relapse aside, that’s not all we’re concerned about.” Silver opened his eyes again, tilting his head with curiosity. Ed gave him a hard look. “You’re obviously sleep-deprived, we didn’t need Dr. Iplier to tell us that, you’ve got bags the size of Texas under your eyes. But, he also said you’re mildly malnourished. You haven’t been eating. Care to explain _why?_”

Silver shrugged. “I’m just…not hungry. I just – I smell food, and I feel sick, so I just…don’t eat. And like I told Google, Dr. Iplier, my therapist, and I have been working on the sleeping thing, so…” He flopped his head back on the pillows, turning his head to face the other. “I…I _tried_, Ed!” His voice broke. “I _tried_, I was making such good progress, and I didn’t – I was tired of holing up in my room, tired of wallowing in my own self-loathing so I…took a chance. To-to _prove _it to myself that I was getting better, that…it’s been four years, and I’m _finally_ ready to stop holding on so tight. But it just blew up in my face, and –” He swallowed back a sob, staring down at his arm, at the old scars, and imaging the fresh one soon to join them. “– now I’m just back where I started.”

He broke down, pulling his knees up to chest and burying his face between them, wrists straining against the cuffs. He flinched when Ed laid a gentle hand on his shoulder, going stiff and breath hitching. Ed sighed through his nose, squeezing his shoulder a little. “…None of us are upset with you, Silver. We’re confused and concerned and more than a little scared for your safety, but not upset. We’ll help you get back to where you were, and beyond that. As for holdin’ on, you don’t have to _force _yourself to be around us when you just want to grieve. You can still take the day, if only for remembrance. It’s _okay_.”

Silver sniffed, lowering his knees a little. He could hardly see through the tears that clung to his eyelashes. “…Okay. And um…” He sniffed again. “Y-you know, i-it’s not the first time I’ve felt like that. The um…the-the weird _itch_. Just…never that _strong_.” He shifted a bit a lower, lessening the strain on his arms from the cuffs. “Can I…c-can Google come in? So h-he can see I’m okay?”

Ed nodded, squeezing his shoulder again. “Yeah, of course, I’ll text him.”

A couple minutes later, the door to Dr. Iplier’s office was opening, and Google was stepping through, clinging to Bing’s arm. The android was a _mess_, his face stained blue with his tears and his hair sticking up in all directions. He took one look at Silver, and then he was sprinting to him, leaving Bing leaning against the wall by the door. Ed stood, and Google took his place in the chair. He made an odd choking noise in the back of his throat when he spotted the cuffs, running a couple fingers over them before glancing back up at Silver’s face. His eyes were so _bright _they were almost impossible to look at, but his logo was worryingly dim, the whirr of his core sounding high and strained.

Silver attempted a smile, head flopping back against the pillows. “Hi. Um…I-I-I’m okay, I didn’t mean…didn’t mean to…”

Google gave a brief smile back, bowing his head in a way that let his hair cover his eyes, but Silver didn’t miss the few stray glowing tears making their way down his face. “Yes, w̙͆e̩͞ḽ̔l̳͞ –” He swallowed at the glitch, lifting his head again. His fingers hovered over the stitches, slowly trailing down the line, and visibly twitching whenever they passed one of the small rivulets of blood gradually streaming down to stain the bedsheets. “I’m glad I got to you before you could do much else.”

Google’s forehead suddenly dropped to rest against the railing of the hospital bed, and Silver’s eyes widened as he let out a gasping, shuddering sob, shoulders shaking. One of Google’s hands came up to tightly grip Silver’s own, shaking his head. He gave a strained laugh. “Apparently, there is a very _distinct_ line between _knowing _one’s hurt themselves and _watching _them do it.” His shoulders shook again with another sob, his grip on Silver’s hand just shy of crushing it. “Ȋ͢ĬͅI̡̍ – The way you were _screaming_ â̯a̙̽a͋͜n̤̓ḍ́ _fighting _me…” Another strained laugh, both hands now flying to tug on his hair. “I don’t think I could forget that even if I wiped my hard drive clean.”

Silver closed his eyes, a few of his own tears sliding down his face. “_Fuck_.” He laughed, opening his eyes again and shifting a little more upright. “I really am I piece of shit, aren’t I? Your ‘Secondary Objective’ is to wipe out all mankind. And here you are, melting down because I subconsciously decided to make your job a little easier.”

Google’s head shot up, eyes wide with significantly more glowing blue streaks marring his face, and Silver saw Bing flinch in the back. “No! No no no, please d̞͒o̝͘n͎͋'̭̓t͔̉ –” He tried for another smile, reaching once more for Silver’s hand. “I suppose, when all’s said and done, I could leave a _select few _humans breathing.”

Silver snorted, his tiny smile becoming a little more genuine. He shifted again, flexing against the cuffs, but this time he winced, making a small noise of pain. A prickling sensation not unlike the pins and needles one got when a limb was falling asleep was beginning to build around his stitches, gradually but steadily getting worse and more persistent. “Ow. Why am I _now _starting to hurt?!”

Bing raised an eyebrow. “Dr. Iplier shot you full of painkillers, dude. Those stitches didn’t just appear. They’re probably just starting to wear off.”

Silver grimaced, squeezing Google’s hand. His voice sounded tighter. “Where is he anyway? He didn’t leave me alone for three days the first time.”

“He’s tryin’ to calm down the Host,” Ed said, leaning up against the wall a few feet away. “He locked himself in his library, mentally beatin’ the shit out of himself for not seein’ this comin’. Not that he could’ve done anythin’ if he had, but…” He shrugged. “Hence the shifts.”

Silver flinched, grimacing again as the sliced skin was tugged at. “Whoops.” Ed snorted, and Silver gave a lopsided smile. “Besides him…h-how are the others doing?”

Google gently brushed Silver’s hair from his eyes. “Bim’s trying to console both King and Eric, though he’s pretty distraught himself. The Jims couldn’t even look at you when they arrived in the kitchen, just spun on their heels and left. I think they’re barricaded in their own room. Reynolds was just staring off into space on the couch last I checked, crying.”

Silver swallowed. “And…D-Dark and Wilford?”

Google and Ed exchanged a look before Google continued, his voice unusually soft. “Wilford snapped into a lucid moment,” he said, squeezing Silver’s hand. “He kept scratching at his arms, at his own scars, and muttering about how he gave you the idea, that all this was his own fault.”

Silver’s eyes shot wide, shaking his head. “No! He – He didn’t – It’s not –” He jerked against the cuffs, tears suddenly streaming down his face and ignoring the pain. “_Shit_.”

Google placed his other hand on Silver’s forehead, gently laying him back down. “Shh, yes, we know, but you know how he is when he’s like this. He’s fragile at best, and of course he won’t remember this come morning, so he’s going to melt down again tomorrow, hopefully remaining insane that time.”

He paused, blinking, and Silver gave a strained laugh. “We’ve got a weird little group here. But you haven’t said anything about Dark yet. Is he…okay?”

Ed shrugged. “We don’t know. He’s in his office. He soundproofed the thing, we haven’t got a clue what he’s doin’ in there. Bim tried to check on him, but apparently the doors are coated heavily in magic. Won’t budge.”

Silver closed his eyes, squeezing Google’s hand again as _pain_ shot up his arm. “Last time,” he mumbled, “there-there was so much damage and I was just too _numb _to feel anything. Kinda wish I had that now.”

Google squeezed his hand one last time before letting go, standing, and Silver’s hand immediately clenched into a fist. “I’ll go get Dr. Iplier. Hold on.”

He left, trailing a hand along Bing’s shoulder as he passed. Bing took a hesitant step forward, and then he was taking Google’s place in the chair. He turned to Ed with a small smile. “I’ll take my shift now.”

Ed nodded, glancing down at Silver before he, too, left.

Bing sighed, crossing his arms. Though he still wore his shades, they did nothing to hide the golden-orange stains on his face. He offered Silver a tight smile. “You’ll be okay, man. Just like last time. Whenever you…” He swallowed. “You’re not alone, okay? You’ve got the sixteen of us, and I’m sure Jackie will support you, too.”

Silver noticeably flinched at Jackie’s name, a distinct reminder of who _wasn’t _with him. He’d almost forgotten what today was in all of…_this_. He let out a broken sob, twisting his wrists, and then Bing’s hand was on his shoulder. “****, I didn’t mean – I’m –” He cleared his throat. “Y-you know, Eric told me about how talking about him seemed to help. O-on your birthday. And I wasn’t…wasn’t around to meet him either. Do you…want to try that again?”

Silver nodded, pulling another face and breathing a little heavily as a deep-set throb started up in his arm. “Yeah sure, just…can we wait till Dr. Iplier gets here?”

Bing gave a little laugh. “Whatever you want, man. You’ll be okay.”

Silver just nodded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One, I'm sorry.  
Two, I'd just like to say that I mean no disrespect by posting this story. Like, it's the anniversary of something _incredibly_, and I'm using it to vent, but...I wanted to write it, and I'm a bit paranoid, that's fair, but i just...yeah. I'm sorry, I don't quite know what to say, but just know that I don't mean any harm by creating this. I send all the love to Daniel's family and friends today, and just..._yeah._
> 
> Anway, Sunday's story will deal with all these themes as well, but it's mildly fluffier, a Wing AU, and there's a special little surprise too! I hope you guys liked this, and I will see you then.
> 
> Tumblr: doctordiscord123.tumblr.com


End file.
